| Maybe It Could be Better |
[Jan. 7th, 2006|07:49 pm] |
I'm sick of people taking adavnatge my good nature.
Steve and I have been doing nothing but helping people out and being honest and trust worthy and all we get out of it is people fucking shitting one us. So fuck 'em.
If I've learned anything in the past few days its this:
NICE GUYS REALLY DO FINISH LAST.
More Later.
Peace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|09:08 am] |
Attention everyone:
This Saturday...I turn 21 years old.
It will be amazing.
I need help celebrating.
I have no plans except to go to bars and get free birthday drinks.
Help me, Help you.
Also, I have horrible poison ivy all over my arms and stomach and chest(not on the twins though, thank god)
But,I can't bend my fingers all the way because they're all swollen, puffy and diseased looking.
I wake up all night long because they itch so bad.
It's fucking sexy as hell. I swear it. |
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| Meh.. |
[Aug. 24th, 2005|03:33 pm] |
Why does time move by so fast?
It feels like I blinked sometime over a year a ago and opened my eyes and ended up here.
So much has happened and changed but it still speeds way too fast for me.
Summer's almost over already! Crazy.
I turn 21 soon. September 3rd. Even Crazier.
I had crazy adventures this summer. Especially when I spent a week in Atlantic City with Alyssa.
We tanned.Smoked tons of weed. Ran around the boardwalk. Went to some ghettos and had people freestyle rap for us. Drank Hennessy on the beach. Stuff like that.
But it's back to the real world for me...
I start school at Ulster on Monday. It's gonna be weird.
It's been over a year since I've been in school. I'm kind of excited.
I changed my major from Communications and Media Arts to Human Services.
I think it suits me better in the long run. I wasn't cut out for that whole journalism thing.
And things are all clear and beautiful on the Steve and Renee front. We've worked through the bumps.
I hope.
There will be many more updates now that schools about to start.
Peace |
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| COme crawling back for more. |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|02:02 pm] |
Steve came crawling back for me and let himself get wrapped around my finger, oh so quickly.
I'm good. or stupid I don't know. |
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| Broken. |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|04:01 pm] |
Steve broke up with me last night.
It came out of nowhere.
He said he just fell out of love with me.
The whole " it's not you its me" thing
I'm stuggling to keep from crying....... |
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| Just Checkin' In |
[Jul. 5th, 2005|12:27 am] |
Life's alright.
Steve has a car again.
It's a shitty little beater but it gets us where we need to go.
And I get to see him more than 2 times a week. I see him pretty much everyday.
Besides that I've just been chillin. Tryin' to get a job.
Going to the mountains.Hiking. Swimming and smokin' blunts on cliffs.
It's cool. I'm doing things in never did when I was strung out.
I actually hang out with people.
People actually enjoy my company again.
I missed that.
It feels great.
I gotta go.More Later. Love all you crazies! |
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| Bored as Fuck. |
[May. 6th, 2005|10:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 50 Cent- Baltimore Love Thing | ] |
Time started: 10:20am
Full Name: Renee Rose Williams
Nickname/s:ummm..Steve calls me Boo-ba-luh..but i don't think that counts
Birth date: September 3rd 1984
Star sign: Virgo
Age: 20...So close to 21..
What are u listening to? 50 Cent- A Balimore Love Thing...Its an amazing song FUCK YOU
Last thing u said: The serenity prayer
Who do u want to spend the rest of ur life with? Steve. duh.
Where do u want to go on your Honeymoon? No idea
First daughter(s) name? Me and Steve picked out a bunch of names for kids but I don't remember any of them
First son(s) name? See above
Who makes u happy? Steve. My friends.
How many buddies on ur list? 120
How many buddies online right now? 15 but most are away
What do u like to do? Dance Karaoke Write Read Listen to Music Draw Hang out on the stoop Hiking Biking Watch Adult Swim with Lunchbok Watch Movies
What did u do today? Woke up, MAde Breakfast, Ate it, Read a chapter and a step in the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text and a chapter in the "Living Sober"book
Last person u talked to on the phone? I think Steve last night
What are u scared of? Getting addicted heroin again, losing Steve, failure and success
Eye color: Brown
Hair color: Brown
Height: 5'6"
If u could change one thing about urself? I'd be blacker of rather BROWNER.....hahahahahahhaaaaa
Do u find yourself attractive? Sometimes
Do u find yourself ugly? Sometimes
Do others find u attractive? Apparently
Sibling/s? Onr brother, One half brother
Do u like them? My brothers a weirdo, but so am I. also he has my back..so yeah i like him
How many TVs do u have in your house? 2
What's ur skool called? UCCC...but I took the semester off
Do u like skool? I miss it like crazy
Are u going to university? Hopefully
Where do u see urself in 10 years time? Married. Not a junky. With children. any other details are up in the air. hopefully content.
What's the first thing u notice about the opposite sex? Eyes
Turn-ons? Eyes,Good back rubs, guys who can cook for me, sense of humor, INTELLIGENCE.
Turn-offs? Stupidity. Arrogance.
HAVE U EVER...?
Broken the law: Many many times
Cheated on a test: Yeah
Played strip poker: Maybe. I don't remember.
Played truth or dare: yeah. but don't tell anyone?
Kissed someone you don’t know? Not that I know of.
Been in a physical fight? Not really.
Been on a plane? NO beacause poor people don't get to travel and see the world
Been close to dying? JUne 5th 2004, I overdosed on Fentanyl which is a synthetic opiate stronger than heroin and almost died. Might I add I didn't see any bright light like people say. It was just darkness.
It scared the shit out of me.
HAVE YOU HAD?
Stitches: Nope. Should have a few times though
Surgery: Only oral surgery
Some one other than family tell you they love you? Many times
Have a gf/bf? yuppers
Have anything pierced? just my ears
Time Finished 10:44am |
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| I Want my BABY! |
[Apr. 29th, 2005|12:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fiona Apple- Limp | ] |
SOOooOOoOOOOOOooo
Steve gets out of rehab on May 8th.
That's a week from Sunday.
You know I'm counting down.
He has court on May 11th.
His birthday is tommorow.
I'm making him a super crazy special birthday card.
His mom will deliver it too him.
And as for me, I go to lots of NA meetings these days and don't really do any drugs.
For the most part anyway.
I'm definatley not doing heroin. Or coke. Or crack. or pills. or drinking.
And I feel great.
It's cool.
I've enjoyed my time to myself, but I do miss Steve terribly.
The last time I saw him was 11 days ago and I have 9 days to go.
I can't wait.We're gonna have the best sex ever, too.
SOBER Sex.
Let's hope the real Steve is back.
Thats the Steve I miss.
Only time will tell. |
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| It Smells Like Girl |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|09:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
So, I feel great these days.
Don't get me wrong, I love Steve with all my heart, but I am really enjoying this time to myself.
Its kind of amazing.
And not getting high, gets me high.
I love it. |
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| Dear Anonymous Mister, |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|02:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Wu Tang Clan- Triumph | ] |
It's not okay to be madly in love with people who push dope on people...
It's not okay to stick by the side of someone who steals from supposed friends for a fix...
It's just not okay
Best thing thats happened to you, eh?
Those comments just prove that the disease of addiction is beyond your understanding.
I am not proud of what I did when I was a junky. Things far worse than you could imagine.
But that wasn't me.
It was my disease.
I'm not saying the things I did were right. But there was a reason for it.
And I'm honest about the things I did. And I'm willing to make amends to everyone I hurt.
Being a drug addict is miserable and painful. Your health suffers. YOur mid suffers and you spirit suffers. You hurt alot of people, but most of all you hurt yourself.
YOU LIVE TO USE AND USE TO LIVE.
Its a kind of suffering only another addict can truly understand.
Its a pain like no other.
Addiction is the only disease you will be hated for having.
Addicts don't want to be addicts. They can't help it.
I Found this in the Clean and Sober (Narcotics Anonymous) LiveJournalCommunity:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behaviour. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behaviour cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
I hope that helps paint a better picture for you.
And for the record:
Steve doesn't push dope on people either. And he never did. People are grossly uninformed.
I can't defend what he did. I'm not even gonna try cause it was wrong. But I will say that he didn't get a fix out of it. It was to avoid an ass whooping. But it was definatley addict behavior. And definatley wrong.
He is the best thing thats ever happened to me. Steve is. Not JUNKY Steve. The real Steve McBride is amazing. And he still exsits deep inside. And he's coming back and starting to thrive.
And I stick by him not for things he does as an addict, but for the real McBride.
The REAL Steve who is funny, sweet, charming, intelligent, goofy, honest, active healthy and strong. and Amazing. That's the Steve I fell in love with. ANd that's the Steve I believe. and will stick but til the end.
And if thats just not okay, then so be it.
But like I said you couldn't possibly understand. I can't make you understand.
By the way, who are you? What's with the anonymous thing? It'd be nice to know who I was talking to.... |
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| Be a model or just look like one |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|11:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I really don't know what people think of me these days.
People need to realize that I have changed. Things have changed. That month I spent in rehab wasn't for nothing.
No one gives me credit.
I am Steve's girlfriend. And as a RECOVERING (NOT ACTIVELY USING) addict, I can understand and forgive when he fucks up.
But I guess I cant expect that from other people.
Renee is back.
Take a look.
You'll see.
I am no longer a member of the walking dead.
I love sitting in the sun. |
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| A Love Thing |
[Apr. 8th, 2005|05:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 50 Cent- Disco Inferno | ] |
I recieved this comment on a recent entry.
It's not okay to steal money from people....
It's not okay to push dope onto 14 year olds....
It's just not okay
Yes I was a fucking junky.
Junky Renee is not the real me.
No one who has never been a heroin addict could ever understand.
I never pushed dope on anyone.
People came to me.
When you're sick..dope sick...YOU WILL DO ANYTHING TO FEEL NORMAL. Not even high.
NORMAL. And you don't care about anything else except not feeling like shit.
ANd me and Steve are 2 separate entities. He does his thing I do mine.
BUT I am madly in love with him.
He's my world. I stick by his side. Not necessarily on his side, cause he fucks up some times. But by his side.
Anyway, the past is gone. and I can't do anything to change that. I'm a new person now. I'm not a piece of shit junky anymore.
But people can think what they want. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2005|05:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ludcris- Number One Spot | ] |
I Can post 50 Cent lyrics and you can all love it!
Its one of the best songs about being a junkie.
(ANd I would just like to say that being able to wake up and love the sunshine and to not be sick and not worring about who i can rip off or steal from to get high is fucking amazing.
I LOVE NOT NEEDING TO STICK A NEEDLE IN MY ARM EVERY MORING TO FEEL NORMAL!
I LOVE LIFE.)
She Loves Me, She Loves me not
Yeah, she loves me not
The fiends need me, i aint around they bones hate
Detox, rehab, cold sweats watch em' shake
I'm not that genie in a bottle, im in a bag
Take one hit, and slide off to the land of H man
When we first met, I thought you'd never doubt me
Now you tryna leave me, You'll never live without me
Girl I'm missing you, come and see me soon
Tie your arm up, put that lighter under that spoon
Now put that needle to your arm princess, stick it in
Relapse, back bitch dont ever try that again
All that shit i did for you, I made you feel good
We have a love thing, You treating this like it just a fling
Wat we have is more sacred then a vow or a ring
You broke my heart you dirty bitch i wont forget what you did
If you give birth i'll already be in love with your kids
Listen, i dont give a damn if your ass starts smoking
But we have a bond that is not to be broken
We got a love thing
Girl u tried to leave me, but you need me, can you see, your addicted to me
We got a love thing
I can take you higha girl fuckin with me, you can be all you can be
Baby you know, on the low your sister been eyeing me
I'm good looking so you know, that's why she be trying me
I heard she bisexual, she fucked with that girl
But boy oh boy fuckin with me is a whole nother' world
On the first night she'll fall in love and chase the feelin
I hung out with Marvin when he wrote 'Sexual Healing'
Kurt Cobain we was good friends, Ozzy Osbourne to
I be with rock stars, See you lucky im fucking with you
I chill wit Franky Limen and Jimi Hendrix crew
See this is new to you, but to me, this aint new
I live the lavish life, listen if the mood is right
Me, You and your sister could do the do tonight
I never steer you wrong, if you hype i'll make you calm
I'll be your incentive reason for you to move on
Lets make a date, promise me you'll come to see me
Even if it means you have to sell your mommas T.V.
I love you love me back, no one said loving me be easy
We got a love thing
Girl u tried to leave me, but you need me, can you see, your addicted to me
We got a love thing
I can take you higha girl fuckin with me, you can be all you can be
[Verse 3]
I love you
I got you bare footed on glass chasing a dove
That monkey on your back symbolises my love
Your friends talk bad bout me, bitch, you sit their and listen to em'
Over and over you hurt me, my love is unconditional
They talk to you when you up, when you down they got nothing to say
But when you call up im running, i always take the pain away
They set you up to let you down, they crowned you prom queen
They know bout me behind your back they call you a fuckin fiend
Lets just be alone, so I can kiss and hug you
Push me inside you, no other man can love you like I do
Call me daddy i make you feel good, i mean real good
I find pleasure in pleasing you like a real man should
It was written long before shit was carved in a tree
Forever me and you baby we were meant to be
There's more to life then laughter, what brought us together was fate
When we be hand in hand when you walk through those pearly gates
Fin to see to that, imma do whatever it takes
We got a love thing
Girl u tried to leave me, but you need me, can you see, your addicted to me
We got a love thing
I can take you how ya girl fuckin with me, you can be all you can be |
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| How the time flies |
[Mar. 30th, 2005|08:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
Yesterday was me and Steve's 2 year anniversary.
We didn't really do anything special. But it was cool anyway.
I ate the worm at the bottom of the bottle of Mezcal that Steve's mom brought back from Mexico.
We're staying at the 87 Motel. Room 36. People should stop by and hang out. We're always looking for something to do.
If you know our cell pjone number give us a call.
You won't regret it. |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2005|06:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
steve's been in jail since saturday.
no one would help me raise the $150 bail.
do you know how little that is in terms of bail?
it was a petit larceny charge from a million years ago when we were really strung out.
he does not need to be sitting in jail.
he gets out tommorow, thank god.
i'm at my mom's again.
it sucks.
i liked living at motels and never having to clean or make breakfast.
or deal with my fucking mom and brother.
i'm supposed hang out with arlo later. its his birthday.
we're gonna drive around and be cool in his new car.
it's a silver 5 speed 2000 acura integra.
it's fucking hot.
anyway. i'm gonna go now. fuck this shit. |
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| Addict. Alone.(In Bad Company) |
[Jan. 27th, 2005|04:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pretty Girls Make Graves- Sad Girls | ] |
SO. This is my life.
Wake up.
Lay in bed forever trying to fall asleep, unsucessfully. Read. Write in my Journal. Make any necessary phone calls for the day. Go online. FUCK OFF FOREVER BECAUSE THERE'S NEVER ANYTHING TO DO(This involves going into town and occaisionally running into someone to be bored with, or sitting at home making phone calls). Watch Simpsons. FUCK OFF(again)Go Online. Go to an NA meeting.Fuck OFF( yet again). Read. Write.GO Online. Watch Family Guy/ Futurama. Read. Go to sleep.
Soon I'll have 5 days a week of out Outpatient Substance Abuse counseling. From 9am to 2pm. FUN. NOT! Although it will keep me busy. As soon as I get into the swing of that I'll start looking for a job.
But BASICALLY,I need more people to hang out with. As you can see my life is pretty fukcing lame. I'd do something about it if I could.But its winter.What the fuck do people do in the winter besides get fucked up?
I picked the wrong time of year to try and be sober!
About the only thing that would make it more interesting would be if I had more people to be bored with. That would make it less painfully boring and lonley. I hardly ever get in touch with anyone.
When you quit something like smack, which totally consumes your life in everyway, its really hard to figure out what the fuck to do anymore.
Anyway,I'll stop bitching and I close with this:
MAAAAN, these bitches is awfully nasty.
and these bitches keep walkin past me.
Either way I'm a pimp for today, put your booty in the way and SHAKE THAT SHiIT!!! ;-) |
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| HahHaHAhA!!! |
[Jan. 25th, 2005|12:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
The Great LiveJournal
Outage of 2005
During the outage I had to find porn elsewhere.
What did you do?
Brought to you by geek-foo
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2005|03:59 pm] |
I am trying to do everything they taught me in rehab.
And have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to.
I am honest.
I try to reach out.
But my head feels like there's a hole in it and I just never know what to say.
I don't know who I am but I am certain that I don't feel like myself.
I still feel so lonely sometimes.
ANd everyone tells me how much better I am doing and how proud they are of me and that I look me healthier and they're happy to have me back.
And sometimes I agree, but alot of times I just feel fat and gross and lost and I know that this is supposed to be hard but sometimes I just feel like screaming at everyone to shut up.
But I open my mouth and nothing comes out, except maybe thank you, and I just stare into space like a retard and feel like a retard and feel so disconnected, and there's nothing to do sometimes.
There's not always a meeting I can go to or some one to talk to who really understands.That's just not fucking reality.
This whole early recovery shit sucks. No wonder so many people relapse. Feeling this way has to be one the worst things I've every experienced. I know it takes take time to get better but god fuckin damn. |
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| I hate snow.I hate SnoW. I HaTe SNOW... |
[Jan. 22nd, 2005|01:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
I can't say it too many times. I really can't.
I hate snow.
Someone should let a bunch of people get snowed in at their house and make a party out of the situation.
Until then I'll sit here and bitch about it. |
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| Help Me. I need a teleportation device!! |
[Jan. 21st, 2005|01:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Massive Attack- Angel | ] |
Steve's mom won't take me to see Steve in rehab. She's pissed off at him.
And anyone else I can think of won't to take me cause everyone thinks I need to break up with him.
And that he's some horrible piece of shit scumbag.
So if anyone has a car and wants to my new best friend I need a ride to Rhinebeck on Sunday. I can provide money for gas and tolls and such. It would me the world to me. So if anyone can help let me know.
His mom just smashed my hopes into pieces.
As if giving up dope wasnt hard enough.
Now everyone wants me to give up Steve too. |
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