| Maybe It Could be Better |
[Jan. 7th, 2006|07:49 pm] |
I'm sick of people taking adavnatge my good nature.
Steve and I have been doing nothing but helping people out and being honest and trust worthy and all we get out of it is people fucking shitting one us. So fuck 'em.
If I've learned anything in the past few days its this:
NICE GUYS REALLY DO FINISH LAST.
More Later.
Peace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|09:08 am] |
Attention everyone:
This Saturday...I turn 21 years old.
It will be amazing.
I need help celebrating.
I have no plans except to go to bars and get free birthday drinks.
Help me, Help you.
Also, I have horrible poison ivy all over my arms and stomach and chest(not on the twins though, thank god)
But,I can't bend my fingers all the way because they're all swollen, puffy and diseased looking.
I wake up all night long because they itch so bad.
It's fucking sexy as hell. I swear it. |
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| Meh.. |
[Aug. 24th, 2005|03:33 pm] |
Why does time move by so fast?
It feels like I blinked sometime over a year a ago and opened my eyes and ended up here.
So much has happened and changed but it still speeds way too fast for me.
Summer's almost over already! Crazy.
I turn 21 soon. September 3rd. Even Crazier.
I had crazy adventures this summer. Especially when I spent a week in Atlantic City with Alyssa.
We tanned.Smoked tons of weed. Ran around the boardwalk. Went to some ghettos and had people freestyle rap for us. Drank Hennessy on the beach. Stuff like that.
But it's back to the real world for me...
I start school at Ulster on Monday. It's gonna be weird.
It's been over a year since I've been in school. I'm kind of excited.
I changed my major from Communications and Media Arts to Human Services.
I think it suits me better in the long run. I wasn't cut out for that whole journalism thing.
And things are all clear and beautiful on the Steve and Renee front. We've worked through the bumps.
I hope.
There will be many more updates now that schools about to start.
Peace |
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| COme crawling back for more. |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|02:02 pm] |
Steve came crawling back for me and let himself get wrapped around my finger, oh so quickly.
I'm good. or stupid I don't know. |
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| Broken. |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|04:01 pm] |
Steve broke up with me last night.
It came out of nowhere.
He said he just fell out of love with me.
The whole " it's not you its me" thing
I'm stuggling to keep from crying....... |
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| Just Checkin' In |
[Jul. 5th, 2005|12:27 am] |
Life's alright.
Steve has a car again.
It's a shitty little beater but it gets us where we need to go.
And I get to see him more than 2 times a week. I see him pretty much everyday.
Besides that I've just been chillin. Tryin' to get a job.
Going to the mountains.Hiking. Swimming and smokin' blunts on cliffs.
It's cool. I'm doing things in never did when I was strung out.
I actually hang out with people.
People actually enjoy my company again.
I missed that.
It feels great.
I gotta go.More Later. Love all you crazies! |
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| Bored as Fuck. |
[May. 6th, 2005|10:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 50 Cent- Baltimore Love Thing | ] |
Time started: 10:20am
Full Name: Renee Rose Williams
Nickname/s:ummm..Steve calls me Boo-ba-luh..but i don't think that counts
Birth date: September 3rd 1984
Star sign: Virgo
Age: 20...So close to 21..
What are u listening to? 50 Cent- A Balimore Love Thing...Its an amazing song FUCK YOU
Last thing u said: The serenity prayer
Who do u want to spend the rest of ur life with? Steve. duh.
Where do u want to go on your Honeymoon? No idea
First daughter(s) name? Me and Steve picked out a bunch of names for kids but I don't remember any of them
First son(s) name? See above
Who makes u happy? Steve. My friends.
How many buddies on ur list? 120
How many buddies online right now? 15 but most are away
What do u like to do? Dance Karaoke Write Read Listen to Music Draw Hang out on the stoop Hiking Biking Watch Adult Swim with Lunchbok Watch Movies
What did u do today? Woke up, MAde Breakfast, Ate it, Read a chapter and a step in the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text and a chapter in the "Living Sober"book
Last person u talked to on the phone? I think Steve last night
What are u scared of? Getting addicted heroin again, losing Steve, failure and success
Eye color: Brown
Hair color: Brown
Height: 5'6"
If u could change one thing about urself? I'd be blacker of rather BROWNER.....hahahahahahhaaaaa
Do u find yourself attractive? Sometimes
Do u find yourself ugly? Sometimes
Do others find u attractive? Apparently
Sibling/s? Onr brother, One half brother
Do u like them? My brothers a weirdo, but so am I. also he has my back..so yeah i like him
How many TVs do u have in your house? 2
What's ur skool called? UCCC...but I took the semester off
Do u like skool? I miss it like crazy
Are u going to university? Hopefully
Where do u see urself in 10 years time? Married. Not a junky. With children. any other details are up in the air. hopefully content.
What's the first thing u notice about the opposite sex? Eyes
Turn-ons? Eyes,Good back rubs, guys who can cook for me, sense of humor, INTELLIGENCE.
Turn-offs? Stupidity. Arrogance.
HAVE U EVER...?
Broken the law: Many many times
Cheated on a test: Yeah
Played strip poker: Maybe. I don't remember.
Played truth or dare: yeah. but don't tell anyone?
Kissed someone you don’t know? Not that I know of.
Been in a physical fight? Not really.
Been on a plane? NO beacause poor people don't get to travel and see the world
Been close to dying? JUne 5th 2004, I overdosed on Fentanyl which is a synthetic opiate stronger than heroin and almost died. Might I add I didn't see any bright light like people say. It was just darkness.
It scared the shit out of me.
HAVE YOU HAD?
Stitches: Nope. Should have a few times though
Surgery: Only oral surgery
Some one other than family tell you they love you? Many times
Have a gf/bf? yuppers
Have anything pierced? just my ears
Time Finished 10:44am |
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| I Want my BABY! |
[Apr. 29th, 2005|12:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fiona Apple- Limp | ] |
SOOooOOoOOOOOOooo
Steve gets out of rehab on May 8th.
That's a week from Sunday.
You know I'm counting down.
He has court on May 11th.
His birthday is tommorow.
I'm making him a super crazy special birthday card.
His mom will deliver it too him.
And as for me, I go to lots of NA meetings these days and don't really do any drugs.
For the most part anyway.
I'm definatley not doing heroin. Or coke. Or crack. or pills. or drinking.
And I feel great.
It's cool.
I've enjoyed my time to myself, but I do miss Steve terribly.
The last time I saw him was 11 days ago and I have 9 days to go.
I can't wait.We're gonna have the best sex ever, too.
SOBER Sex.
Let's hope the real Steve is back.
Thats the Steve I miss.
Only time will tell. |
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| It Smells Like Girl |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|09:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
So, I feel great these days.
Don't get me wrong, I love Steve with all my heart, but I am really enjoying this time to myself.
Its kind of amazing.
And not getting high, gets me high.
I love it. |
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| Dear Anonymous Mister, |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|02:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Wu Tang Clan- Triumph | ] |
It's not okay to be madly in love with people who push dope on people...
It's not okay to stick by the side of someone who steals from supposed friends for a fix...
It's just not okay
Best thing thats happened to you, eh?
Those comments just prove that the disease of addiction is beyond your understanding.
I am not proud of what I did when I was a junky. Things far worse than you could imagine.
But that wasn't me.
It was my disease.
I'm not saying the things I did were right. But there was a reason for it.
And I'm honest about the things I did. And I'm willing to make amends to everyone I hurt.
Being a drug addict is miserable and painful. Your health suffers. YOur mid suffers and you spirit suffers. You hurt alot of people, but most of all you hurt yourself.
YOU LIVE TO USE AND USE TO LIVE.
Its a kind of suffering only another addict can truly understand.
Its a pain like no other.
Addiction is the only disease you will be hated for having.
Addicts don't want to be addicts. They can't help it.
I Found this in the Clean and Sober (Narcotics Anonymous) LiveJournalCommunity:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behaviour. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behaviour cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
I hope that helps paint a better picture for you.
And for the record:
Steve doesn't push dope on people either. And he never did. People are grossly uninformed.
I can't defend what he did. I'm not even gonna try cause it was wrong. But I will say that he didn't get a fix out of it. It was to avoid an ass whooping. But it was definatley addict behavior. And definatley wrong.
He is the best thing thats ever happened to me. Steve is. Not JUNKY Steve. The real Steve McBride is amazing. And he still exsits deep inside. And he's coming back and starting to thrive.
And I stick by him not for things he does as an addict, but for the real McBride.
The REAL Steve who is funny, sweet, charming, intelligent, goofy, honest, active healthy and strong. and Amazing. That's the Steve I fell in love with. ANd that's the Steve I believe. and will stick but til the end.
And if thats just not okay, then so be it.
But like I said you couldn't possibly understand. I can't make you understand.
By the way, who are you? What's with the anonymous thing? It'd be nice to know who I was talking to.... |
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